There is a very good chance that at some point in this group, someone will bring something that is beyond your ability to care for well.

Expect that.

It doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It doesn’t mean the group failed, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re a bad leader. We’re doing deep work with human stories, and sometimes opening the door to those stories reveals a wound that needs more attention, more time, or more expertise than this group can provide.

You are not expected to have endless capacity. You’re not expected to have endless wisdom. You don’t need a master’s degree in psychology because you agreed to lead a group through my book.

Part of leading well is knowing where your limits are.

There is a difference between, “This is really painful, and we can sit here with you in it,” and, “This is really painful, and you need care that we cannot provide tonight.”

Learning to recognize that difference matters.

When Someone Needs More Care

Some circumstances call for immediate attention, particularly when someone's safety is at risk. 

Here are a few things you should take seriously:

• Suicide or self-harm: Someone talks about wanting to end his life, hurting himself, or feeling like he can't keep himself safe.

• Threats of violence: Someone expresses an intention to harm another person.

• Abuse or unsafe situations: Someone discloses ongoing abuse, domestic violence, or a situation where a child or another vulnerable person may be in danger.

• Serious mental health or substance-related crises: Someone appears to be in significant psychological distress, is severely impaired, or is experiencing a crisis that requires professional attention.

In situations like these, your responsibility is to take what you're hearing seriously and help connect that person with appropriate care. If someone is in immediate danger, that may mean contacting emergency services or a local crisis response team. You don't need to be a counselor or have all the answers to recognize when someone's safety needs to take priority.

I also want to be very clear that your role as a group leader is not to investigate. If someone discloses abuse, violence, or another serious concern, you don't need to determine whether every detail is accurate, question the person extensively, or try to get to the bottom of what happened. That's not your responsibility.

Instead, listen carefully, respond with compassion, and take appropriate steps to involve people who are trained and authorized to help. Don't promise secrecy, and don't assume that you need proof before making a required report. Your job is to recognize the concern and respond responsibly, not to conduct an investigation or decide whether someone is telling the truth.

There will also be situations that aren't necessarily emergencies but still require more care than your group can reasonably provide. Maybe a man reveals that he's having an affair his wife doesn't know about. Maybe someone begins sharing a traumatic experience and becomes so overwhelmed that he struggles to remain present. Maybe a man is dealing with an addiction, a difficult marriage, a history of abuse, or a mental health struggle that needs consistent, ongoing attention.

I want you to remember that you don't have to diagnose what's happening or know exactly how to help in order to recognize that someone needs additional support. Sometimes the most caring thing you can do is acknowledge your own limitations.

You might simply say, "I care about you, and I think what you're carrying deserves more care than I know how to give you."

There's nothing shameful about saying that. In fact, I think there's a great deal of wisdom and kindness in recognizing what you can offer someone and where your own capacity ends.

Before your group begins, I'd encourage you to identify a few people or resources you can turn to if the need arises. Here are some things worth preparing:

• Have the names and contact information of a few trusted counselors or other mental health professionals who understand this kind of work.

• Know which pastors, ministry leaders, or community resources might be able to offer additional support.

• Familiarize yourself with available crisis resources and what steps to take if someone is in immediate danger.

• If you're leading through a church or organization, make sure you understand its policies and your responsibilities regarding safety, confidentiality, and reporting suspected abuse.

One final thing I want to make clear: confidentiality is important, and I hope you'll work hard to protect the stories entrusted to your group. But confidentiality is not an absolute promise of secrecy. When someone's life is in danger, a child or vulnerable person may be at risk, or the law requires a report, protecting people takes priority. Legal reporting requirements vary depending on your role and location, so make sure you understand the responsibilities that apply to you. Be clear about those limits with your group from the beginning.

My hope is that you'll approach these situations with both tenderness and wisdom. You can care deeply for the men in your group without being responsible for meeting every need they bring into the room. Part of leading well is knowing when to invite others into that care.

When Someone Needs More Time

There is another kind of capacity that is a little less dramatic but probably much more common.

Imagine you’re having an important night and everybody came prepared to share. One man begins telling his story, and something breaks open. He’s weeping. There’s clearly a lot happening, and of course you want to give him as much time as he needs.

That’s a beautiful instinct. It also may not be the kindest thing to do.

If one person’s story consumes every bit of the space, time, and emotional energy in the group, somebody else is going to lose what was promised to him. And if you asked, “Hey guys, is it ok if we stay with Ryan tonight instead of hearing from everyone?” I bet the guys would agree, because that’s the nice thing to do. But please don’t.

This is where that idea comes back again: timekeeping is kind.

You might say, “Ryan, we are with you, and I can feel how big this is. I don’t want you to hear what I’m about to say as us abandoning you, because we’re not. But Matt came tonight with a story too, and I want to honor the space we promised him. Can we pause here for now, turn our attention toward Matt, and then figure out how we’re going to make sure you’re cared for after tonight?”

That isn’t cold. In fact, it may be incredibly kind.

You’re communicating that Ryan matters enough to be seen, but he doesn’t need to take over the whole group in order to prove that his story matters. And you’re communicating to Matt and everybody else that their stories matter too.

The container has limits. So do you.

There may be times when the right next step is a conversation after the group. Sometimes it is a meeting with a pastor. Sometimes it is professional counseling. Sometimes it may involve crisis support or emergency help.

Your job is to have the awareness ahead of time that you and your group will not have the capacity to provide all the care that everyone needs.

Prepare Before You Need It

This is also why I recommend ReStory Counseling’s Sitting in the Dirt training for people who regularly find themselves caring for others. It goes much further into how to listen well, stay present in painful stories, recognize when you’re over your head, and know when someone needs a different kind of care.

The war against false names is messy. Shame is messy. Grief is messy. Human beings are messy.

There’s actually a kind of rest in knowing that.

You don’t have to be everything to everybody. Your task is to show up, pay attention, love people well, tell the truth, and offer presence on the journey. 

Thank You.

We are so glad you’ve said “Yes” to leading a group through That’s Not My Name. You are about to embark on a courageous journey! 

We’d love to hear from you about your group experience, and be available to answer any questions you may have along the way. To do that, simply send an email jeremy@restorationproject.net.